Log in

+ retreat [entries|friends|calendar]

[ website | myspace ]
[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[24 Nov 2008|05:13pm]
[ mood | bouncy ]

so, i need to stop being so obsessive over Bergman films. i'm renting them from the uni library with such haste, & i realised i'm not doing my work, because i'm being so distracted by just watching films all the time. i've got so much work to get done by wednesday, i also need to sort a photoshoot, & figure out what i need to prepare for thursday.
i have a date in the dj booth. woot! 20th december, me & michael are spinning some musical treats at ashton 'Underground live'. granting work approves my already requested holiday.
mother's birthday today. i don't have much cash to buy her anything proper, so i've bought her some sweeties for now, with the promise of a decent gift in the coming week.
i also have a deadline for 'we are young and we are trying' art zine. 15th dec, & i've no where near finished. i need to get myself into gear. i'm such a sloth.


[20 Nov 2008|02:10am]
i've really messed up, & would prefer to forget most of the last year.

[26 Oct 2008|01:40am]
so, i just witnessed my dad do something i've not seen from him since i was about 11.
he was drinking all night, being friendly, then in a split second became verbally abusive toward everyone in the house. what was a nice family night has resulted in my mum crying, my brother locking himself in his room, me sat here alone in the lounge, & my dad slurring how everyone hates him & he's now walked out. it's almost 2am, & he's gone for a stroll.

i remember when he used to do this when i was young. it used to terrify me. i used to cry. now at this age, i'm just angered & confused. how can people just suddenly be so nasty. alcohol is not nice.

i often step back & re-evaluate my life.
lately i don't like what i see.
jealous, lazy, unreliable, loud, confused, ignorant, self abusive.
i've not become well over the last year. it's gone so fast, & i've spent the whole year trying to understand what i want & who i am. i just want to forget everything from the last year.
__1 # *__

[20 Oct 2008|10:52pm]
i keep thinking about you. those mornings, & recalling how perfect & peaceful you looked with the muted light through the curtains giving your shoulders a warm, red glow. just seeing it in my mind breaks me, & i will always be able to see it clearly when i think of you. stirring in our shared warmth. we didn't care how we looked in the morning. how we sounded. how we smelt. i'd usually stir before you & leaning over to kiss you, in your sleepy state you'd just smile, & your lips would whisper a 'love you'. truth is, at that moment, the world could have been falling apart piece by piece, but it didn't concern me, because the piece i was mostly concerned about falling away was there, running his fingers across my shoulder & in the notches of my spine as i lay my head on his chest. you were always the best way to wake up, & fall asleep. despite how uncomfortable it sometimes was to get to sleep, with elbows in our sides & legs intertwining to fit into your single bed. although frustratingly hot in the summer months, there was always something more personal about that bed. because we couldn't escape one another. even if we wanted to, which i know at times there were. fitting tightly into that bed seemed to bring us closer again, even in the times we were seperate of mind & intention.
you remember how perfect it was... right?
__7 # *__

[08 Oct 2008|11:16pm]
Wish I could remember why it mattered to me. It doesn’t matter to me. It doesn’t matter to me anymore. Now that you’re feeling fine, I’ll admit that - though I know it’s coming down, and see it shattering me - it doesn’t matter to me, and I’m not sadder for seeing it come. I’m not going to run. I will just come when I am called. You want to cut me off because I took too much, but don’t leave me alone. Take off your scarves, your winter coat. The night’s too cold. When we met I should have said you’re like a sister to me, how all that kiss her just seem like puny suitors I can see through, how none will do, not for you, how it might as well just be us two. And when I pulled you by the jacket from the clattering street, you started flattering me, you started saying I was so strong. String me along, but I can’t become all that I’m called. And I can’t claim to know what makes love die or grow, but I can still take control and so refuse to just go home, back down the hall. And as I crawl, as finally all the false confetti blooms up in this attic room, I’m going make my stand. I want to see both of your hands put down the phone. I won’t let you go, although the moment stole my self-control from us all and now it can only end with a fall.

[08 Oct 2008|08:54pm]
i'm not happy, & i'm feeling very aggressive tonight.

some people are interfering bastards, & i'm going to end up kicking someone square in the face.

i really am.
__4 # *__

[28 Sep 2008|06:45pm]
[ mood | tired ]

i enroled at uni today.
i was a little angry, as at my interview they advised there'd be no charges, only for them today to slap a £104 registration fee on me. it's only a small charge for the year, so i'm not complaining. i have 6 weeks to pay it, which is easily managable. the point is, i really think they should let people know of these things. i even ASKED, & they said there were no charges. £100 isn't much, but if i was on benefits or something, or had no income.. it could have been a problem. hopefully it didn't happen to many people that way.

so yes! i'm officially a student. again. third time lucky. i know i'll stick at it this time. i have to, to be fair... if i drop it's £1,300 i owe to bolton university.
the picture on my card is DREADFUL. i only got home from work around 6am this morning, & managed to get three hours sleep before getting set & going out to enrole. so i look very tired, & also very grumpy, as they always tell you not to smile or anything. i'll cope! :)

i have my induction day on tuesday, when we get dragged around the library, shown things we could probably figure out alone from common sence... etc. i'm excited that i'm going to be doing more art & feeling it's working towards something. i'm also a little nervous. i hope there's good people on my course. to be honest, i doubt i'll have a problem, i tend to find someone to listen to.
getting a drink after induction with dean, i hope. also seeing him on the thursday night for the 'live band night'. his band is playing, so i figured i'd go. also wouldn't mind going to 'quiz night' the following thursday. but that's about all i'm going to bother with as far as freshers events go. consider me a misery, but 'skool disco' doesn't appeal to me... especially when they can't even spell it correctly. i really fancied going to the masquerade ball, but it's on the saturday that three people at work have booked off already. gutted, because i'd LOVE to go to a masquerade ball.
talking about booked nights off, i need to book october 25th off, for mikey's birthday, & 7th, for either dananananakroyd at newtrof, or going to sheffield to watch james play at a club night. it's a pain, because i had to miss dana last time they played, for being too poor, so i really want to go. but i know that if i chose that & don't go to see james play, he'll get secretly angry. maybe even publically angry, if i'm lucky.

made £15 in tips over the last two days... then spent a tenner on an overpriced taxi today. it shouldn't have cost so much. getting stuck in traffic didn't help the cause either.

so tired. barely slept since yesterday morning..


[22 Sep 2008|12:11am]
[ mood | artistic ]

i feel very lonely tonight.
i've not been working, so i've mostly been relaxing all day, playing with the pups & trying to organise stuff ready for starting uni. i start in a week. it'll be surreal going back to education again, but i'm looking forward to it. i'd be lying if i said i wasn't filled with concerns. mostly about coping financially through the year.

lately i'm killing so badly to create. it's always the best thing about this time of year for me. i'm so filled up with emotions, that i feel constantly inspired. i have four photo shoot ideas in mind (one being self portrait), that i need to get sorted. i have 2 canvas' i need to do.

i also am thinking of making a patchwork piece. it seems a little farfetched, but i like the idea. basically, i'd like to have people i know & love, people i've been close to at some point, people i've got memories with, etc; send me/give me a small cutting of fabric that they like. any piece they pick out that they think is 'them' if you get me. it's still something i'm completely fantasising about at the moment. but i would love something like that.

the idea came up after walking home friday morning, thinking about the previous day's upset with adam. for some reason i was thinking about being snuggled in his bed, how much i'll miss it, etc. i could see the pattern of his covers in my head, & i began thinking about patterns of the covers of people i've been close to in the past. it kind of came to sound like a tracy emin thing. but i can't expect people to cut squares of their douvets out for me, so i figured if i asked people to give me any square cutting of fabric that they felt represented them, or our relationship, whatever sort it was.

because in truth, i miss everybody.
i was thinking about alex barlow today, & how long it's been since i even spoke to him, never mind saw him! he used to be one of my dearest friends. i just miss alot of certain people & i wish i could see them, even just to exchange a smile. some people who were in my life this time last year, are just gone now. circumstances often seen us part ways, or stop talking. sometimes those circumstances were my fault, i know. sometimes theirs. but either way, they're missed. i need something to keep them around in some way. just something personal. i need comfort. i used to know some incredible people who never failed to be there to listen to me cry & talk about every insignificant detail to pass through my mind. but now, i'm resorting to livejournal. i know i still have people to listen to me rant, but i'm not sure i feel any comfort from them anymore. they're often related to the problems, & never often any solution.. usually because there is no solution to give. i'm not sure what it is i'm after. i feel like i'm missing something that i really need right now.

i can't help but feel in my mind that it's a big cuddle & them having waterproofs on, so i can cry on them. i want to be held. i'm blue.

__1 # *__

[20 Sep 2008|06:48pm]
[ mood | blank ]

adam told me he doesn't want to continue seeing me, after i stayed with him for a couple of days. not sure why he couldn't tell me at the start of my stay, rather than before i left. i'm not pleased to say the least, but hell.. i can do nothing. he's not the first. won't be the last. i always soldier on. obviously. christ.
so after leaving his on thursday i popped into james' & lora's for tea. decided i'd stay there & go to bring on the dancing horses with them. james went down to ed's flat to see him, so me & lora went to the shop, nattered lots, etc.
the night out was good. it took my mind off stuff for a while. there was also some young girl who asked me if a sonic youth song was the cribs. it upset me. shocked me. a bit of everything. but either way i cuddled her & said 'god bless you'.

yesterday morning i quit my job. i know it was the worst way to do it, to just phone & say i'm not going in again. i feel bad, but i'd been wanting to tell them for a while & didn't really know how to. although i know it wasn't the most proffesional or nicest way to do it, i do feel a relief i have done it finally. the hours wouldn't be suitable come a week monday, when i start my course.
luckily though, immediately after phoning them, i went on the job centre plus website to see what work they had up, & saw an advert for IKON in bolton. chavvy club. but what the hell, i can't afford to be that fussy. so i called. had an interview two hours after the call, & then last night at half 9, i went for my first shift.
it seemed so fast that i was working somewhere else the same day i quit the lockkeepers.
chavvy as the place is, it was good fun. we get to pocket our own tips, & i made £7, which for my first night isn't bad at all. it's something nice along side your wages. the pay alone per hour is a pound more an hour than i was on at lock keepers, & the hours are going to be better for me when i start my course. i'll be working 10 - 4ish thursday, friday & saturday night. i can sleep in saturday & sunday, so really... friday is going to be the only day i'll struggle with being tired at uni. but i'm sure i can manage being tired for one day a week. & i'll get paid weekly, which i'm happy about. it'll be a lot better for me than the lock keepers would have been.
my tips can be my gig money. :D!!
so many shows i want to go to are coming up. i think i'm sadly going to have to give sigur ros a miss. i can't afford to stay in blackpool, & the tickets on ebay are going to be expensive.
i have my mogwai ticket already, so that's comforting to know. i do, however. REALLLLLLY need to sort out okkervil river tickets. if i can't go to that, i will cry & go for a swim. & i can't swim.

Today has been spent relaxing, feeling depressed about the fact i'm not going to have any more nights snuggling with a certain someone whilst watching films, playing with luke pup & falling in love with an asian girl on youtube. reiberry.com, or something. make up, hair & clothing tutorials. she is adorable & i want to buy her.

__2 # *__

[15 Sep 2008|10:46pm]
oh christ, what are you moaning about now rachel? shut up you ridiculous bitch.

[14 Sep 2008|11:55pm]
[ mood | jealous ]

my weekend went to pot, mostly. friday day time was lovely. i met roser for tea, & then met jess for shopping & coffee.
i should've not bothered going out friday night. my awesome friends were incredibly miserable & sulked all fucking night, then pissed off & ditched me. luckily i had mikey there. so stayed in manchester with him until the first bus home. we went to some AWFUL gay bar, where i temporarily lost my pocket watch & was gutted. luckily mikey found it. he's a king. someone tried to steal his phone with the worst mug attempt ever.
mugger: give me your phone.
mikey: you don't want it. it's shit.
mugger: alright then.
stood outside a dodgy cafe until it opened, shouting "breakfast! breakfast!" at the window. it was liberating when they finally let us in. the breakfast was nice, but unfortunately i hardly ate any of it due to being so tired. but yeah, what i ate was good. i had a couple of hours sleep when i finally got in, before james demanded i go visit him.
so the gig for the saturday night... well, there were four bands playing, the last two were the ones we went for. so what happens? the police come to the place after the first two bands & shut the venue for noise polution. aparently the building didn't have a performance license. so the gig ended & we all had to leave. i thought, the night's not over yet... but it turned out james wasn't feeling too healthy & had a headache which was turning him into a terrible grump. so the night died abruptly.
so overall, i spent MUCH MORE money than i should have, & now i'm worried about money AGAIN. two days after i've been paid. it's ridiculous. & the two days holiday from work weren't as planned or hoped. they could have been MUCH worse. i just feel i've wasted so much money on things to just go crap.

also, i had a hair cut. some people say it looks nice, but basically, i have hardly any fringe, or hair in general, & i look like a man. i feel very unpretty. no wonder i feel so fucking threatened by pretty girls. yeah, we have blunt fringes, chin length hair, bright red lipstick on even when it makes us look like twats, we can wear heals, because we're small in height, so don't look ridiculously giant. we can pull off looking like a doll of somekind. where i just look like i'm fucking dying of something because i'm always looking tired, because i'm too fucking angry about everything to get any sleep, & too worried about people to not constantly have to check up on wether they're ok, or wether they're considering going for a dance in the road after drinking their own body weight in whiskey. constantly worrying about money. worrying that i've made wrong choices again, or that i'm going to fuck up my whole uni thing AGAIN, just because 'i get sad' in autumn. worrying i'm not actually heading in the right direction, & convinced i'm being taken for a ride by everyone. & worrying about all this, & complaining about it only does what i least want to do - drive people away. but christ. talking from experience, can ye fucking blame my worry of most things? probably.
someone's kicking in.


[09 Sep 2008|11:16pm]
my ebay stuff didn't sell so well this time. i listed 10 items, & only 6 sold. all for measly prices too, like £1.99, or 99p. rubbish!
last time i listed 14 items & made £120. that was absolute champ.
to be fair though, i put more efforts in last time i listed stuff. this time was just chucking on a few bits that didn't sell last time, so i wasn't expecting to make a fortune to be fair. i've more stuff to put on though before the week is out (hopefully) including shoes! i was going to sort it tomorrow night, but i've agreed to work a five finish.
because i've booked off the weekend as a paid holiday, i'm getting paid for 7 days work this week, when i'm only doing five. they're really quiet shifts too. barely anyone in, so i get finished up early, & don't have to deal with many shitty attitudes.
i've worked alot of shifts these past four weeks, so i should imagine that my pay on friday will be more pleasing than usual. usually my pay slip depresses me to my very bones.

this weekend should be a good one anyway. i get paid friday, so hopefully getting a very much needed hair cut on the friday morning, before i shoot off into the city centre to meet a couple of old colleagues from figure clothing for coffee & cheesecake. it'll be the first time i've seen anuja since i lost the job, & since she became pregnant. so there should be plenty to talk about. & with roser, there's always tons to debate & enjoy. i miss those two ladies sorely. then i'm coming back home to jazz up my face & attempt to find clothes i'm satisfied with, & i'm going to the aftershow with dorita, jodie & HOPEFULLY emma is coming too. her grandad died last week, so i want her to come out with us, try to take her mind off it. also it's the night after dorita's 21st, & the last opportunity for jodie to come out with us before she moves to birmingham land. i've no idea what to wear. i want to wear my new pointy shoes, but they'll only suit an androgynous look, & i'm not sure... part of me is in the mood for androgyny, but another part of me wants to wear a skirt & sparkly eye makeup. it's ridiculous making a big deal out of it, but i always seem to do it. & also, i've not been for a night out for SO LONG it's untrue! so yes, i'm looking forward to it.
then on saturday james is moving back into student village, so on saturday night we're going to upper space to watch his mate's band CharliesHero, with Day For Airstrikes, & other pretties. it's apparently a bring yr own beer affair too, which means i need to find a big long straw to reach the bottom of a wine bottle.

[03 Sep 2008|03:51pm]
i got accepted onto the course. will be living at home still, working part time & doing the foundation for the next year. hopefully next september, i'll be going elsewhere after doing awesomely in foundation.

happy times!


no work today or tomorrow. i really wanted to go visit adam, but i am poor until friday 12th. ma & pa won't part with any pennies to lend, either. rubbish. so i have two days of being bored. i think i should put lots of stuff on ebay, & maybe make a skirt.
grumpy. i wanted to see someone. :(

wish me luck [01 Sep 2008|08:37pm]
[ mood | nervous ]

so i decided at some point this summer to give further education another go. i regretably messed up my last couple of chances, but since then i really feel i've grown up alot, & from experiencing different working environments, & long term, full time work, i have seen things from both sides.
i really feel this is what i want & need in my life, so i decided to have a look at courses in clearing, & found art & design foundation at bolton university. the one year there.. then if i do well i can head off for a 3 or 4 year course at a university elsewhere. so today i called & arranged my interview, which is tomorrow at 11AM.
i need luck. alot of it. i don't have any previous qualifications. only my GCSE's. so i'm praying my portfolio is good enough. i WANT this. so bad.
so work have let me go early tonight. not only was it deadly quiet, but they know i want to add some finishing touches to my portfolio.

i feel i could start using this again.
so yes. well wishes please!
i PRAY my portfolio is good enough.

__2 # *__

rachel & john's BABA SEAL PARK [22 Oct 2006|02:21pm]
so, today john & i were discussing seals. we decided that there should be a theme park FOR seals to have fun. (because seals are good)
the following characters were discovered.
BABA SEAL PARK!!!Collapse )
__2 # *__

[21 Oct 2006|05:02pm]
[ mood | confused ]

There are many things in which i do not understand. for example; life, evolution, aliens... things which people wonder over for years & will never come to a conclusion over.
but.. there are two things which trouble me (personally) even more so... scat & necrophelia. i... i don't get it. now.. i've tried to be open minded about these things. i've spent time thinking about why someone would actually comit these acts.
for a start.. scat. now, i know different people enjoy different things. whatever floats your boat. i can understand things like... S&M. the whole feeling of dominance & power. but.. with scat, i cannot for the love of god understand it in the slightest. i cannot see why anybody would want to experience that. i can't. i don't see how even the most open minded person can create a logical explanation for this.
& the only explanation i could think of for necrophilia is that maybe the person doing the act is very lonely & can't get a girlfriend. but that explanation went out of the window when i took into consideration, the services men & women can now purchase from the streets. as in prostitution. & if not... the services we can purchase from sex shops. think about it... a person will get as much action & movement out of a inflatable doll, as they will a corpse. there will be no movement. they're not living things. so... why not just use an inflatable doll? it's more... socially accepted in this day & age & also, there's a less chance of it smelling bad. you're probably less likely to catch a disease from a doll, too. so i can't think of a reasonable explanation for necropheliaism, either.
i'm just stuck... completely. there's no conclusion. no logical explanation. & i know it might be a distasteful topic for discussion, but it does actually really bother me. i guess i should take on the 'live & let live' perspective. but i can't. i cannot actually get my head round these things. it turns my stomache & bothers me an unnatural amount.
i can't even find these things funny. people laugh about scat. i can't. because it puzzles me. they say you're scared of the unknown & i agree. i do find these things scary. not only because i don't understand them, but also because, let's face it... it's fucking vulgar. it takes a very unwell mind.

__11 # *__

[ viewing | most recent entries ]