desperateicon (desperateicon) wrote,

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i feel very lonely tonight.
i've not been working, so i've mostly been relaxing all day, playing with the pups & trying to organise stuff ready for starting uni. i start in a week. it'll be surreal going back to education again, but i'm looking forward to it. i'd be lying if i said i wasn't filled with concerns. mostly about coping financially through the year.

lately i'm killing so badly to create. it's always the best thing about this time of year for me. i'm so filled up with emotions, that i feel constantly inspired. i have four photo shoot ideas in mind (one being self portrait), that i need to get sorted. i have 2 canvas' i need to do.

i also am thinking of making a patchwork piece. it seems a little farfetched, but i like the idea. basically, i'd like to have people i know & love, people i've been close to at some point, people i've got memories with, etc; send me/give me a small cutting of fabric that they like. any piece they pick out that they think is 'them' if you get me. it's still something i'm completely fantasising about at the moment. but i would love something like that.

the idea came up after walking home friday morning, thinking about the previous day's upset with adam. for some reason i was thinking about being snuggled in his bed, how much i'll miss it, etc. i could see the pattern of his covers in my head, & i began thinking about patterns of the covers of people i've been close to in the past. it kind of came to sound like a tracy emin thing. but i can't expect people to cut squares of their douvets out for me, so i figured if i asked people to give me any square cutting of fabric that they felt represented them, or our relationship, whatever sort it was.

because in truth, i miss everybody.
i was thinking about alex barlow today, & how long it's been since i even spoke to him, never mind saw him! he used to be one of my dearest friends. i just miss alot of certain people & i wish i could see them, even just to exchange a smile. some people who were in my life this time last year, are just gone now. circumstances often seen us part ways, or stop talking. sometimes those circumstances were my fault, i know. sometimes theirs. but either way, they're missed. i need something to keep them around in some way. just something personal. i need comfort. i used to know some incredible people who never failed to be there to listen to me cry & talk about every insignificant detail to pass through my mind. but now, i'm resorting to livejournal. i know i still have people to listen to me rant, but i'm not sure i feel any comfort from them anymore. they're often related to the problems, & never often any solution.. usually because there is no solution to give. i'm not sure what it is i'm after. i feel like i'm missing something that i really need right now.

i can't help but feel in my mind that it's a big cuddle & them having waterproofs on, so i can cry on them. i want to be held. i'm blue.
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